Deuces

Your hand on my knee, Come drive with me To wade in an ocean salty I'll claw fingers through sand, Sun on my hands The warmth to the cool on wet palms For a time, we'll bask Good humor with laugh, Hold tight, hold tight, remember

The best part of the weekend was this:       Aidan made joyful by the home-made spice cake he wanted despite his working moms pleas, otherwise ("but I don't want a store bought cake, mom...") and watching, from a safely dry distance, the water balloon fight that my mom so eagerly joined in on. Sayler seemed  to smile the whole day through, enjoying her time with cousins and taking particular joy in her time spent with her adult cousins, Ariel and Bret, who never say "no" to whatever her heart desires.    CJ put burgers and dogs on the barbecue, always considerate of the several vegetarians in the family. And I took extra special joy in time with Cambria.  Her docile nature, warmth, sweetness and the simple joy and comfort she finds in being held close with unfettered allegiance to everyone that loves her:   And today, Sunday, Lloyd and I went to the mall for dinner and shopping.  We couldn't remember t...

My New Year is starting quietly. It's a nice way to start the year. I slept soundly after midnight fireworks where outside I sat with neighbors and my daughter sleeping heavily on my chest. As I stared into the night sky with the brilliant lights creating illusions of small fires impossibly burning into a vast, dark ocean, I thought of you.  It was beautiful, and the warmth of Sayler's matted hair resting under my chin, close, almost uncomfortably, forced my head upward toward those flickers in the dark open and it all made me feel secure, safe, loved. As the clock struck midnight the neighbors leaned in for those awkward, half-hugs that you give a person holding a sleeping toddler and wished a Happy New Year.  I wished, then, that it would be a happy new year.  I promptly retreated home where Sayler fell into my pillow and blankets and I passed out shortly thereafter.  I awoke hours later.  Many ho...

2013 has been kind to us. Surrounded by family, good friends, good health, lots of laughter and lots of love.  Few regrets, lots of lessons, some losses.  Tears of joy, tears of disappointment, summer heat, winter warmth, holidays, celebrations, birthdays, memorials, memories.  Lives beginning, relationships forming, luck ending, and coming back 'round, again. Ella Joy: Reagan Kingston Cambria

I'm thinking of my daughter, and it's probably because she's asleep. It's the quiet moment when I can breathe and think about what this life and world ahead will offer her. And whenever I think about the hopes for my daughter, I often hope, immediately, that her life will be exciting. And it's not likely the first thought that comes to most parents' minds. And I'm okay with that. Perhaps my mind will change as she changes. To hope that the world will be kind and generous to her, at least most of the time. And in the times it is not she will be rewarded with some humility and graciousness. I hope she will be classy enough to know virtue of others' suffering and needs. I hope she will know what her talents are, though the world may not present them to her at precisely the moment she's trying to uncover them. These are the other things I hope for, but first and foremost, I hope her her life will be exciting. I hope sh...

There are those things that I just can't get enough of lately- these are 5. 1.  Chobani yogurt. Seriously: I purchase so many the cashier at Super Target probably thinks I have IBS.  I swear I don't: I just totally can't get enough (especially that chocolate mint one and the classic strawberry).  Yogasm. 2. The new Lorde album.  Ariel: big smooch your way for introducing me to them, you hip, hip, hip girl.  I am slightly troubled by the band's name, but they keep bringing out the bangerz so I can't complain. 3. Running in my new Skora kicks. My feet have never felt so amazing- my runs so effortless.  5 miles logged today all while pushing the most problematic umbrella stroller and 25 pound sleeping beauty (my jogger broke-damnit!) Please add a new pair of Skora Cores to my Christmas list.  Oh, and I am eyeing the Brooks Ghost 5 (or 6) Running Shoes. Size 7.5 please, please, please. I'll be your best friend.  If it turns out I can run...

In the days of my loss, A divide went un-mended. A memory, now tarnished, A good that soon ended. Once two: quite the same, Before it all changed, A bouquet: once perfect and beautifully arranged. The ties now are severed, An affinity: marred; One unsaid "I'm Sorry": a slow-healing scar. Life's thirst: quenched: despite One wish-well left dry, To make right: The thing: that drifted awry. Familiarity: Lost? I hope, yes? No... I hope not... Waited: So patiently, for words to be said- To strengthen fond memories, Left weak by one thread.

My freshman year of high school I was placed in an A.V.I.D. class, but it wasn't until many years later when I actually discovered what, and for whom, that class was designed. I guess I always saw it as shear luck that I got placed into that elective course involuntarily.  I never knew why I was there, but I utilized the time to eat oranges and chat with Amy.  I know we had tutors come in and I know we utilized that hour to get work done.  Frankly, I thought it was genius that I got to do homework while eating my favorite citrus fruit in school. We went on field trips to colleges and I remember them being boring field trips.  The campuses seemed so big and felt like light years away.  I really only went to get out of school for the day.  I remember walking on those vast campuses missing the "fun" field trips of my youth to places like the Frito Lay Factory and the Wonderbread Factory. Ho-Hum. It was in A.V.I.D. that my teacher, Mrs. Puckett once gav...

Society makes it fairly easy to be unemployed.  And that's okay, of course.  My husband makes it fairly easy, too.  No demands.  Of course, the easiest way to survive a layoff is to prepare months and years in advance.  Not that I'm bein' all Preachy Preacherson, but.... it helps. Last summer we stopped using credit cards.  And some people don't think they can stop, but.... you can.  Ask Lloyd's socks.  It was time for some new ones for my boo, but we held out and those socks held on for dear life.  We ate more meals in, gave more excuses for not going out, and slowly started living within our means.  I won't lie.  It was annoying.  Window shopping made me want to pass out with despair and as I often did in my youth, I became resourceful and creative with my outfits.  Because no broad wants to be photographed in the same outfit twice.  Damn you Facebook. And Thank God for that sense of responsibility then to pre...

How is this possible? I am not weepy over my job loss any longer.  And if I'm honest, this whole unemployment thing isn't so bad. But like I always say "ask me in a week". I have been clearing out closets.  I have been pretending to be a pit bull chasing my cats around the house.  I have spent time in the yard pruning my trees (quite the crop top, poor things...) and I have enjoyed sit down meals with my number one Sancho. I have sat through movies without checking my email for pressing work needs.  I glowed when my first unemployment check came.  And a month ago when I pictured filing for unemployment, I felt humiliated.  But my mom said "you've earned it", and after 14 years of paying into the system- I knew she was right.  And on the other hand, I have enjoyed interviewing.  I have enjoyed bragging about myself, whereas in the past I wouldn't have done that.  Humility is everything.... except in an interview, as it turns out....

I love weddings.  Everyone is so elated.  Everyone looks so nice.  The women are dressed up and their hair coifed just so.  The men look so dapper in their suits. I love weddings and seeing couples' exchanging their vows.  I used to find weddings nauseating.  When the ceremony would start, I thought I would die with boredom.  But not now. Now I stare at the lovely couple and wish them a wonderful life together. I hope they will support each other and be best friends.  I hope the groom will sometimes engage in tacky gossip with his wife, just because it makes her feel good, and the bride will go into Home Depot with him from time to time even if it kills her just a little. I love weddings and ohhhhhhhhhhh how I love wedding cake.  I really love wedding cake.  No- really. I don't indulge in a huge piece, but I always want to just eat it all.   Yum. I love wedding food.  At weddings you find that people are...

One thing you quickly discover after losing a job is how boring it is to not spend. Not that I used my youth spending too frivolously.  But, like anyone who is given the impression they shouldn't do something, it makes them want to all the more.  Like a child.  Like a rebel.  Yup. But life is good, indeed.  San Diego with girlfriends last weekend, Las Vegas this weekend.   I won't complain.  I won't complain.  Breathe in.  Breathe out. And people instinctively ask, "how's the job search going?" And the answer is: "It's going." But today was an interesting day in the job search, and I discovered some really awesome careers that exist out there.  Granted, I am not qualified for 95% of them, but they still sounded pretty dang awesome. In fairness, job searching is half the battle.  What is sort of disconcerting about searching for a J.O.B. is that you discover there's a whole lot of sh*t you aren't good at or aren'...

I don't want to write about being laid off. But I am.  Because that's what I know today, and it is what I cannot shake. I don't know if it's the whole not having a job thing that troubles me.  What is difficult is suddenly finding myself in a situation where I second guess my calling in life.  I have officially moved from a stage of denial to a stage of bummer-mode. I am bummed that what I felt I was great at is not what I am doing.  And perhaps in another time period it will be, once more.  But today I am feeling like I have lost a piece of my identity.  And let's face it, my identity is awesome. It is, right?  

Day 4 is better than days 1-3.  I think. I am still in denial.  I went to the storage unit yesterday where I keep all my work materials and I tidied it up.  Someone said- "Don't do any more work for them" but it felt good to me.  It felt good to feel busy.  It felt good to know I would be turning over my materials to a survivor in a respectable fashion.  The survivor did not make me redundant.  The survivors of this have more work cut out for them.  They have less people to call and commiserate with from time to time.  They have less man-power.  They have more back-breaking work and longer workdays for their salaried positions. Perhaps if I could just get to stop feeling sorry for them, I could enjoy feeling sorry for myself. And I have been feeling sorry for the other employees that were victims of the "re-organization".  They are in stages "Anger" and "Traumatized". Of course it is all relative, isn't it?  I read on a w...

Day 3 starts with me looking for a new position.  Day 3 is exhausting and I've only put in a solid uno-punto-una horas of job seeking. Last night I opened up the resume that landed me my ex.  Let's just call it the ex. I can't bear to say it's name right now (sob, sob). I looked at that resume and it looked so foreign.  I hadn't seen it since I landed the ex.  Like running into your old boyfriend at the mall when you have that just-out-the-salon look and you decided to put on make-up.  You feel like you are truly moving on. But what was really, super awesome was looking at that resume and seeing how much has changed in the last 2+ years.  Like seeing that old sweetheart and noticing his hair line has receded and he has put on a couple of kilos, as well.  It just feels good. Of course, it means a lot of work for me to edit that document.  But I was able to add so many things.  So many things I have learned to do over the la...

Day 2 starts late day 1.  It is evening.  My prime-time.  This is when stuff gets dunzo and I am coming off the 24 high.  24 hour fitness, that is. Lloyd came in earlier after an honest day's work.  I sullenly looked at him looking for sympathy I didn't need.  I said "I meant to clean today, but I didn't quite get around to it.  I was laid off yesterday"  He replied "it's okay. You're entitled to a day to do nothing".  I reminded him several more times today that I had been laid off.  I will play that card as long as possible.  I've never played that hand before and I won't lie- the attention is thrilling. I am in stage 2 of the career break-up.  I am not sure what everone else calls that stage, but for me it is "Delusions".  In this stage I tell myself this is a great thing.  It's an opportunity to go out there and find a better boyfriend- er', career.  Much like a split, I convince myself I just might be b...

Yesterday I cried. I sat with a head honcho and a HR manager for the company I have been working for as they broke the news that my position had been made redundant.  In essence, I was jobless "effective immediately". I didn't cry right away.  My eyes didn't swell until I spoke and looked at their sympathetic faces.  I could see this was hurting them, perhaps just as much as it was hurting me. I have never really been laid off before.  Kinda' once.  Via letter.  But I knew that was coming and I was eager to get the Hell out of Dodge on that one anyway.  I already had a teaching job lined up elsewhere at the time and I was living with my mom.  That means, I had a cell phone bill, student loan, and little else to pay at the time.  Today, is a whole 'notha story with a mortgage, 6 mouths to feed (yes, my cats count), and utilities, credit card debt, and the rest of that stuff that comes in a white envelope each month.  Do I feel a sen...

I have been physically out of commission the last week or so.  "I be up in the gym just workin' on my fitness".  True Story.  So all of my blogging energy has gone to Yoga, Spin, and Zumba. I should be honest when I say I pretty much hate the gym.  Yoga is great.  Zumba is okay.  In general the classes are my calling.  Once upon a fit time I used to have my own routines and had the will-power to self-motivate and do x amount of minutes on my cardio and then independent lifting.  But then it bored me.  And I slowly transitioned to taking the classes.  Of course, this is when I actually go to the gym.  I get all amped and go every week for a month and then something comes up that alters my routine for the next 3 months.  So is the life. But one class I usually take and have a strong disdain for is spinning.  I mean, I love it (right after the class ends), but it is like this little community of matchys.  Match...

So today is Monday and I couldn't decide what was a more daunting task: back to work, or back to blog? Don't worry.  I'm not being an ungrateful snatch.  Blog was the lesser of 2 evils.  Significantly less so.  I love you mystery readers.  You come, you read, you analyze and maybe even roll your eyes.  It's awesome.  I love you. But last weekend a mystery reader said to me "I read your blog- trust me, people read it".  What a sweetheart.  And she's gorgeous, too.  So that makes it seem all the more legit. We were out and about living the high life of us 30-somethings to celebrate the birthday of a new club member.  Some people think 30 means your officially getting old.  But I adore the 30-somethings.  We throw caution to the wind.  We live paycheck to paycheck and we enjoy it.  Yes, it gives us a near ulcer some days wondering if we couldn't cut back just a little bit more to put into savings, but...

4 minutes ago I was curled up on the cool edge of my bed, not far from my sweaty husband.  I could hear his heavy breathing as I slipped in under the covers.  I attempted to cradle him because I needed the hug, but he was boiling, so I crept away and plunged my arm under the chilled pillow and pondered. I thought long and hard of how to release this negative juju that is creeping into my head.  I avoid negativity.  I avoid drama.  I avoid messes, arguments, uncomfortable moments.  I even attempt to steer clear of sadness.  I have gotten very good at it.  You know, when I get into a funk, I just talk myself out of it. I might whip out a calendar and plan- that seems to put me at ease.  The writing of this here blog, folks, that helps too. I guess I am hoping to write my way out of it.  I like to really think about what the heck is bothering me, so I can squash it.  I can rationalize it.  That's what I do. What is ...