Deuces

Were you just playing a John Mellencamp song...? My inquiry was earnest, though filled with the confused stupor that follows an awakening from a deep, mid-afternoon nap.  Equally confused, he replied "... I don't know anything by John Mellencamp..." In a sedated, yet certain response I added ""Jack and Diane"... I thought you were playing that song..." He stood quietly for a moment, curious, as I held a focused gaze, hands in my lap, staring at my fingers, gracefully interwoven.   It's the look he dubs the "1000 mile stare". And I slowly came to.  Came to realize my father wasn't playing a John Mellencamp song, and Lloyd wasn't either.   I shouldn't have been surprised-  neither of the two men had ever played John Mellencamp before, so why would they now? But in some lost space where fatigue and sleep meet, I had heard my father playing guitar and heard his voice- clear as day- singing the ...

They're the only sounds I want to hear lately.  The trombones and trumpets and all the soul and Parisian-inspired, oft blues-flavored, full-bodied, soulful jazz and slow-waltz, smooth as fresh-cream harmonies.   It's getting lost between Louis and Django and moonlight harmonies with Dinah and Billie.     I recently asked Lloyd if, when considering instrument choices for Sayler to try, we might consider trombone or trumpet.  We're in hung jury status at the moment- though I expect a verdict in a few year's time.   The heavy brass is in all the music I tend to enjoy when I need to decompress in solitude, and in the scores that accompany my scat singing I reserve for when I'm a healthy distance away from friends or co-workers. Let's be honest- my cool reputation is at stake.  But it's recently become 'our' sweet compromise- something her and I both equally take solace in and the only typ...

Does it count as blogging when you post pictures?  Jessica so cleverly made these collages (she's the collage-queen).  I thought they were sweet.  I've known these ladies for over 20 years...ooph!   Some photos of my beautiful daughter on one of my favorite days of the year (4th of July!)   And celebrating birthdays with my 3 Cancer girls, baseball and celebrating my 35th (again!) with (more!) dear friends These are some of my favorite summer days... so far...

Sayler's warm, sweaty hand was draped over my neck.   We lie, uncomfortably, our foreheads connected, the way athletes show camaraderie during prayer before a big game...   I was attempting to ease her back into sleep.   I was immobilized, worried if I moved prematurely I would stir the little girl who was caught somewhere between slumber and full-out Energizer Bunny mode.   (Because there's nothing in-between for toddlers).   I had only my thoughts to keep me company,   and my thoughts drifted to one of the numerous nicknames, "C-Note", I have acquired in these last few adult years.   And thinking about a "C-Note" made me think of a gift I gave to my father.     I was just a young girl- no older than 8 or 9- when I had won enough tickets from games played at Bullwinkle's to acquire a prize behind the brightly-lit display.   There were so many wonderful things...   Ite...

Thank you: to all of you who treat me with such love and kindness and read my mundane blog and shared in the celebration of my life.

Here we sat. We were diligently working on the Minnie Mouse puzzle for the umpteenth time. The monotony of the pieces coming together and trying, once more, to teach my daughter what "the corner" meant.  And when it didn't resonate, I echoed in Spanish "... En la esquina, dulcita" to which she responded in kind "en la a'kina?" She still didnt understand as I lightly touched the edges of the chest-turned-coffee table centered on our family room floor. Mira.  Corner. Esquina. Corner. Esquina. She reached for the center and confidently touched the table while saying "a'kina"!? I smiled.  Too weary to continue with a lesson that could wait, the fatigue of a nightly run washed over me. The run was short.  6 miles trying to beat the sunset washing over the horizon of a warmly lit desert landscape.   I was in love. Do you remember what it was like to fall in love?  I fell in love with each step that raced ...

I left them as I know them. At the airport as they stood in line for departure I saw my husband as I have him in my head: His freshly laundered white tee that he had carefully pressed in the a.m. already had a mark front and center where his daughter's mystery hand smudge left evidence.   "I don't know why I bother trying.." He sighed.  But it is him and what he does.  His face bore the look of worry he has every time he flies and his look of fear was that of a man who knows his daughter will get everything she wants on a long international flight.  Whatever game she wants him to play with her... Whatever movie he must carefully watch with her without diverting his eyes, whatever snack he must allow her to feed him while asking with each morsel "Zat good, daddy?" and every color marker she must hold all by herself will be at the ready.  I left him with a new album downloaded moments before we left the house so he could have the latest...

It came to a point where I was able to understand what had transpired.  As I sat up late, washer and dryer still humming despite their long day's work already, I wept. But there weren't tears. My heart wept.  I spent hours meticulously laying out an array of outfits for my daughter, carefully taking register of their comfort and warmth, function and matching-savvy.  Clean chonis and clean socks, hats, mittens, coats and shoes... All of it so carefully planned so that I may put off the inevitable pain of watching her leave.  I avoid.  And oftentimes when I am avoiding the people, the discussions, the interactions and acceptance of certain realities it is because my heart is weeping. And in this avoidance I am restless, oftentimes hiding the discontent in my heart behind obsession over small details of otherwise unimportant things.  Like outfits.  I cannot stomach the pain of watching them leave. I cannot ...

It hasn't been but a few days and already I can sense the indulgence and dependability on this #Apple product. I am not good at keeping surprises, so the Valentine's Day gift to Lloyd and Sayler presented itself early.   An #iPad Air.  Something to keep Sayler from my iPhone and texting my customers.  A place for Sayler to watch her movies and YouTube videos instead of on mommy's 'cmpootr'.  And a way for her to learn to take photos from this device instead of taking videos from my phone that she sends to people in my contacts list.  Because getting a text that reads "were you shopping at Costco today? I think you sent me a video..." is quite embarrassing. Oy. It's something Lloyd can record music on and get excited about while deciding to show me all of the amps available on the Air while I attempted an indulgent soak in the tub.  As I lingered in peace, he stormed in with the smile of a 5 year old telling me about the features of...

I woke up in a great mood.   It must have been the great run I had last night, or the surprise flowers my husband brought home which shocked me so much I had to ask "are these my first ever surprise flowers?" to which he proudly replied "yea!".   And I honestly can't tell you why out of all the current songs I could wake up thinking about I started hearing this song in my head  upon waking at 5 a.m.   My mind thinks it's Friday.  I don't have the heart to tell it the truth... that it is only 6 a.m. Thursday... that we have to get off this couch and get ready for work soon.    My mind isn't quite ready for the shock of the emails that are waiting for us.   But tomorrow... sometime after the work bell tolls (you know... I mean, the pretend one in my head...), I will get a chance to visit with girlfriends for dinner and cocktails.  But before then let's recap some of the week's highlights, shall we?   With...

I woke up late. I missed my flight I was racing to get my things in order, frantically throwing items into my luggage in my hotel room. The feeling of despair consumed me. As I rolled up my luggage I wondered how long it would be before a new flight home would be available once I got to the airport. And then I woke up. I was already on the first leg of my flight home, in a sky floating somewhere between Tampa and Denver. I had nodded off and had this dream. I let the relief wash over me before resting my head again sideways, staring out the window.  I watched the clouds roll past for a short while longer before letting myself drift back to that murky place somewhere between sleep and confusion. I blame the long work days.  I blame the way I over-think. I blame the time zone difference. I blame the 4 lemon drops and 2   3 4 beers I had on Thursday night. I blame the efforts it took to pack all of my belongings while feeling nausea...

My New Year is starting quietly. It's a nice way to start the year. I slept soundly after midnight fireworks where outside I sat with neighbors and my daughter sleeping heavily on my chest. As I stared into the night sky with the brilliant lights creating illusions of small fires impossibly burning into a vast, dark ocean, I thought of you.  It was beautiful, and the warmth of Sayler's matted hair resting under my chin, close, almost uncomfortably, forced my head upward toward those flickers in the dark open and it all made me feel secure, safe, loved. As the clock struck midnight the neighbors leaned in for those awkward, half-hugs that you give a person holding a sleeping toddler and wished a Happy New Year.  I wished, then, that it would be a happy new year.  I promptly retreated home where Sayler fell into my pillow and blankets and I passed out shortly thereafter.  I awoke hours later.  Many ho...

It's hard not to feel the loss. He brought me to my knees. There was a rush, My heart was beating, and he knocked me out and the worst part... is that I didn't see it coming... I didn't see it coming. It was Sunday night. And I had already been coming off a few days of feeling at a loss, perhaps as the year winds down I reflect on everything I have gained... ...that which I have tried to earn and win and hold onto and as the year slips away, I feel the loss of everything I couldn't keep, make better, grow, bedazzle, or otherwise enrich. Sunday night was no exception. We lost. Granted, an indoor soccer game loss shouldn't be such a bother. But it was a bother. I knew before the game began... the opposing women were those ones who eat, sleep and breathe creatine and were twice the size of any of the girls on our team. Not that that ever bothered me, because I can throw an elbow or a shoulder to the...

2013 has been kind to us. Surrounded by family, good friends, good health, lots of laughter and lots of love.  Few regrets, lots of lessons, some losses.  Tears of joy, tears of disappointment, summer heat, winter warmth, holidays, celebrations, birthdays, memorials, memories.  Lives beginning, relationships forming, luck ending, and coming back 'round, again. Ella Joy: Reagan Kingston Cambria

My husband came home one night recently and said, "there's this song that reminds me of you and Sayler"... and I thought that was a thoughtful sentiment.  Because there are so many songs that remind me of people, and I will often tell them. Just like how a million songs remind me of Ariel, including this  Katy Perry song  which takes me back to the day the album dropped.  Ariel and I cleaning my storage unit...  Her and I, doing the Charleston with the radio turned way up... and all other ill-fitting and old-fashioned dance moves reminiscent of Gatsby days there along the concrete driveway...  We dance a little lame sometimes. It's how people know we're related. But the last time I remember someone saying a song reminded them of me was when Lizzy said Drops of Jupiter  reminded her of me (and, in turn, I think of her every time I hear it). That was over a decade ago. and when Brian and I dated in the yesteryear and he said Nirvana's...

Saturday morning.... Taking breaks from cleaning and purging my home.  This was a good break. Saturday night... Russo's Dirty Thirty Sunday afternoon... Running inspiration from "Dirty Diana" Sunday Night... Pearl Jam Monday... Recuperating and working... Highlight: Pearl Jam playing "Future Days" and Lloyd saying it could almost make him cry. Pearl Jam: Future Days