Avoid

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It came to a point where I was able to understand what had transpired. 


As I sat up late, washer and dryer still humming despite their long day's work already, I wept.

But there weren't tears.

My heart wept. 

I spent hours meticulously laying out an array of outfits for my daughter, carefully taking register of their comfort and warmth, function and matching-savvy. 

Clean chonis and clean socks, hats, mittens, coats and shoes...

All of it so carefully planned so that I may put off the inevitable pain of watching her leave. 

I avoid. 

And oftentimes when I am avoiding the people, the discussions, the interactions and acceptance of certain realities it is because my heart is weeping. And in this avoidance I am restless, oftentimes hiding the discontent in my heart behind obsession over small details of otherwise unimportant things. 

Like outfits. 

I cannot stomach the pain of watching them leave.

I cannot stop thinking about how when I get home I will scrub my floors.

Knowing that tomorrow, Thursday, will effectively mark a day when those I love most in life are in England makes me want to tire myself to exhaustion so that I may avoid feeling the loss. 

And despite my glib enthusiasm for restful nights, I can no longer avoid that their plane will depart today. 

And though I will follow in 2-days time I cannot put out of my head how far away, still, that feels.


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