The Adjunct

Today I sat in a bungalow lined with computers and busy professors. I was speaking with instructors about their curriculum, student enrollments, and upcoming educational conferences. It was a relatively typical work day.

I began to converse with one of the adjunct (part-time) instructors. He had been poring over a student's essay with his red pen ready to critique this particular student's work. I confessed to him that watching him correct papers made me nervous. He laughed and I immediately knew he probably thought I was flirting. I felt the need to clarify.

I confessed that for 7 years I was a nervous, stressed-out student. I was juggling work and college education and the road was long and, at times, lonely. Deadlines, due dates and tuition expenses coupled with being in and out of some very exciting (and some downright turbulent) relationships had me going through the motions of life like a drone at times. It was worth it, absolutely. But it still made me nervous and stressed out, at times.

He thought about it for a moment, and I saw the wheels in his head turning. He seemed to suddenly flash back to his own college days and, whether as a gesture of understanding or just to placate me (still not sure), he agreed that being a student was a tough time.

I told him that my nieces had just started college at 18- just as I had, and on their first day of school as I gave them a tour of campus I felt nauseated. I was thrilled for their journey ahead, but I faced my own insecurities about how "smart" I am, or perhaps how smart I am not. How much effort I put into every paper, at times measuring the distance of my margins on a paper to conform with the MLA format. I remember sitting in libraries and crouched in bed feeling helpless, hopeless and, on occasion, elated with how far I had come thus far. One paper here, one project there, a year passed, closing in on graduations, new quarters and semesters...

I went on to tell this professor that I believed that was why I had, at least temporarily, stopped teaching. I didn't know it until I said it, but as the words left my mouth I knew it was true. My insecurity about not being smart enough to judge my students had me leave the field of being a professor so that I could be honest with myself- develop myself personally and professionally and feel entitled. I want nothing more than to be fair to others. At 24 with a Master's degree I entered the field of teaching and I stood before students twice my age. They had looks I knew well- anticipation, excitement, stress and fear.

3 years later, I knew it was time to step back from teaching college courses. Although I miss it, I know I can go back at any time. I was too young, mentally. I had too many insecurities about my ability, and I didn't find it fair to judge my students any longer without taking a closer examination of myself. I think this is the first step in some strange professors self-help journey to being the best teacher possible. At least.... I sure hope so.