Deuces

They're the only sounds I want to hear lately.  The trombones and trumpets and all the soul and Parisian-inspired, oft blues-flavored, full-bodied, soulful jazz and slow-waltz, smooth as fresh-cream harmonies.   It's getting lost between Louis and Django and moonlight harmonies with Dinah and Billie.     I recently asked Lloyd if, when considering instrument choices for Sayler to try, we might consider trombone or trumpet.  We're in hung jury status at the moment- though I expect a verdict in a few year's time.   The heavy brass is in all the music I tend to enjoy when I need to decompress in solitude, and in the scores that accompany my scat singing I reserve for when I'm a healthy distance away from friends or co-workers. Let's be honest- my cool reputation is at stake.  But it's recently become 'our' sweet compromise- something her and I both equally take solace in and the only typ...

The best part of the weekend was this:       Aidan made joyful by the home-made spice cake he wanted despite his working moms pleas, otherwise ("but I don't want a store bought cake, mom...") and watching, from a safely dry distance, the water balloon fight that my mom so eagerly joined in on. Sayler seemed  to smile the whole day through, enjoying her time with cousins and taking particular joy in her time spent with her adult cousins, Ariel and Bret, who never say "no" to whatever her heart desires.    CJ put burgers and dogs on the barbecue, always considerate of the several vegetarians in the family. And I took extra special joy in time with Cambria.  Her docile nature, warmth, sweetness and the simple joy and comfort she finds in being held close with unfettered allegiance to everyone that loves her:   And today, Sunday, Lloyd and I went to the mall for dinner and shopping.  We couldn't remember t...

I've decided that of all the emotions I can feel, among the most crippling is to feel uninspired. It's everything that drives my everydays. And it's possible I've been battling a heavy dose of the "uninspired" lately. But I have slowly been letting it go, more or less, maybe enough to get over myself just a little... And I can attribute, as least in part, that singing "Let it Go", out loud, to my own kin's dismay, has helped me to carry on. "Mommy, it's too loud singing ..." Sayler's admonishment of what I can only call my finest theatrical interpretation of the hit single from "Frozen" didn't make me falter.  I smiled as I continued on, arms open wide, mop-as-microphone- in full confidence: "Let it GO! Let it GO! Can’t hold it back aaaaa-nymo-ooore...Let it GO, let it GOOOO, turn away and SA-LAM the do-oooor..." And then I realized that I didn't know the rest of the lyrics, and muc...

We toddled downstairs, My toddler and I. This was after she woke up, many hours after I had awoken to tackle tasks... She smiled sleepily as she joined me, lying in our guest bedroom where I had been tapping away, focused, clearing my correspondence-plate in anticipation of what would be a morning I could spend with just her. A nice mid-week treat. Somewhere between 4 a.m. and 8 a.m. I worked. I finished my pressing tasks and emails and even managed to get laundry washed. I was sort of my own hero. And so when she joined me I was able to put away my plate and snuggle. She smiled as we stared at each other for a long while, words unspoken. After the minutes passed, I affectionately cooed, "Hi, my baby" the way I do each day. "Hi my baby mommy" she offered back, smugly. She held my face close as she whispered, in an almost mocking gesture, but one I know is sweet and sincere and shared just between us. And when we finally landed downstairs wi...

I woke up in a great mood.   It must have been the great run I had last night, or the surprise flowers my husband brought home which shocked me so much I had to ask "are these my first ever surprise flowers?" to which he proudly replied "yea!".   And I honestly can't tell you why out of all the current songs I could wake up thinking about I started hearing this song in my head  upon waking at 5 a.m.   My mind thinks it's Friday.  I don't have the heart to tell it the truth... that it is only 6 a.m. Thursday... that we have to get off this couch and get ready for work soon.    My mind isn't quite ready for the shock of the emails that are waiting for us.   But tomorrow... sometime after the work bell tolls (you know... I mean, the pretend one in my head...), I will get a chance to visit with girlfriends for dinner and cocktails.  But before then let's recap some of the week's highlights, shall we?   With...

So it started a few days ago when I reached out to some of my best girls and confessed I needed a pick me up toot suite.   "Please make me laugh or smile...I could really use it". And without asking me why I needed it they came back, in rapid fire, with the following: And the one that might have made me laugh the loudest (because it's quite the inside reference these days): And not long after that I got a text from one of my favorite colleagues who reminded me of a special moment: And finally catching up with Ariel: And the most priceless smile-inducer was this face that I missed so much while I was away (I know your uterus aches just wanting one this cute): These are some of my best girls.  Don't you wish you had best girls as great as my best girls?

I woke up late. I missed my flight I was racing to get my things in order, frantically throwing items into my luggage in my hotel room. The feeling of despair consumed me. As I rolled up my luggage I wondered how long it would be before a new flight home would be available once I got to the airport. And then I woke up. I was already on the first leg of my flight home, in a sky floating somewhere between Tampa and Denver. I had nodded off and had this dream. I let the relief wash over me before resting my head again sideways, staring out the window.  I watched the clouds roll past for a short while longer before letting myself drift back to that murky place somewhere between sleep and confusion. I blame the long work days.  I blame the way I over-think. I blame the time zone difference. I blame the 4 lemon drops and 2   3 4 beers I had on Thursday night. I blame the efforts it took to pack all of my belongings while feeling nausea...

I have been thinking of pancakes and eggs. I don't know why. But the craving hasn't subsided, though I cannot say it has intensified... it just remains... in appetite purgatory. I have craved this pairing a few days now. And I am not a pancakes kind of gal, so I am a bit befuddled by it creeping into my psyche, every day, throughout the day. I wouldn't call it torture or taunting, I would call it unfinished business. And today I couldn't help but wonder whether it was the pancakes and eggs I wanted, or whether what I wanted was the idea of a long, leisurely breakfast with someone. And as I sit here, at midnight, unable to sleep before an early a.m. flight, I know that there is something more meaningful worth writing about, and yet, these pancakes and eggs won't leave me alone... Because a long, indulgent, carbohydrate-rich breakfast is usually shared by people who have time to sit and enjoy one another's company. ...

Ariel is on her way over, I couldn't be happier. I called and asked if she could bring me coffee, because the coffee from the coffee pot 10 feet away just won't do. She's bringing it, and I couldn't be happier. I am wrapping up a busy work morning, and I couldn't be happier. And when I want to enjoy a country song, I do it when I am alone, quietly tapping away at the computer or driving along the highway since most of the people I know and love aren't country fans. And lately, though it isn't a new song,  I am re-hooked on  this ZBB song The song couldn't make me happier. We will go for an afternoon run, Ariel and I, and though it seems impossible, it will make me even happier.

It's hard not to feel the loss. He brought me to my knees. There was a rush, My heart was beating, and he knocked me out and the worst part... is that I didn't see it coming... I didn't see it coming. It was Sunday night. And I had already been coming off a few days of feeling at a loss, perhaps as the year winds down I reflect on everything I have gained... ...that which I have tried to earn and win and hold onto and as the year slips away, I feel the loss of everything I couldn't keep, make better, grow, bedazzle, or otherwise enrich. Sunday night was no exception. We lost. Granted, an indoor soccer game loss shouldn't be such a bother. But it was a bother. I knew before the game began... the opposing women were those ones who eat, sleep and breathe creatine and were twice the size of any of the girls on our team. Not that that ever bothered me, because I can throw an elbow or a shoulder to the...

I'm kind of elated. I'm kind of feeling grateful for this beautiful, cloudy, rainy day. I'm kind of pleased with the messages I've received today. I'm kind of honestly saying that everyone I love is happy and healthy, if only for today.   I'm kind of realizing that I can hardly keep my eyes open this week, but I'm lucky that I'm tired... Because it means my days and nights and mind have been full.  I'm kind of noticing my daughter is becoming a little girl.  She is truly perfect. I'm kind of biased. I'm kind of tense from yesterday's run with Ariel which kind of was one of the most beautiful runs I've had in a long time. I'm kind of excited about the days ahead. I'm kind of anxious to share these photos  of a kind of perfect day. 

It's 2:30 a.m. and I sit in a bath towel. I couldn't sleep. This congested head. This girl waiting for 5: 30 a.m. to come so I can get ready for work. This regret for going to bed too early. This mom who is thinking and somewhat saddened by her daughter's new-found discovery of what it means to be 'scared'. And she started saying it recently.   "I'm scared ". And I didn't think much of it at first... knowing that she just picks up words and expressions lately and may not quite comprehend what those words and expressions actually mean. In fact, she has taken to calling me "Princess" lately, which, obviously, I'm not going to dissuade her from doing. Where did she get that word from?  There's no princess movies in this house. And I've never been called Princess before.  My dad never pulled that bullshit with me.  I never really thanked him for that.  Cheers, dad, for keeping it real. Now... the phrase: "...

I got to start my weekend with conversations that made my heart joyful.  ` I've got big plans, man. Going to see my nieces play it up Mia Hamm style, going to spend oodles of time with this sweet girl: I'll let loose just a little... And I'll hang out with my girlfriends to unveil the sealed envelope that reveals whether KB will grace us with a baby boy or girl this spring. That's the weekend ahead.

I love today already. I can't stop smiling. I love cloudy weather.  I love that I can hear a bird singing outside my window despite the clouds. I love that I chose to play John Mayer's Battle Studies album while I work. I love the view from my couch. These red flowers that thrive next to the white roses that thrive a few yards away from the chimnea I had to have.  I love that I've almost, almost, just about swallowed my pride in the choice to hire a housekeeper.  Because today she came and she made all of my floors lovely and every toy has a place. I love her.  I love that just as I was racing to get out the door for a work appointment on a day when I really, really wanted to stay home and work in my underpants I got a call to ask if we can re-schedule the work apointment. I hugged my phone and I hoped my customer didn't hear the elation and smile in my voice. I love that I am feeling energetic on a day I'd usually rath...

Things escalate really quickly when I don't get a reply from my sanchita. Ariel can be so elusive! But she's sweet too. We often have "sancha" days just her and I and a nice long hike or pedicure or run or massage... And like a good sancha she sends me texts like this: She can read my mind in an eerie way and sends me Groupon codes for massages and vacations and everything else she knows I dream about. That's my Sanchita.

These conversations make my day. They are the random musings, gossip, anecdotes, questions, good humor,  needs and "I Miss You" memos that I revel in.  The type of messages I need to make my day brighter...  They are the plans I am making, the people I want to hear from, the small number sign next to the green icon that keeps me guessing who has me on their mind at that given moment. And while I sit here in a mall parking lot while my little girl sleeps peacefully, I blog from my Blogger app and think about the funny conversations I can have with my loved ones... My friends... My colleagues... My siblings and the automated messages from Amazon that tell me my long-awaited packages have arrived. Vinyl albums that I can't find elsewhere, cleaning products that I just can't locate in any big box store, the perfect gifts for perfect people. I love my conversations with Ariel.  Ariel keeps me sane. Ariel makes me laugh in the middle of work d...