Letters of Love Part 3: The Farewell

The Big Cheese scared some people.  Literally.  That's what I've heard several say: "She scares me".  I suppose I could see where they were coming from.  The Big Cheese had a sense of control over us: she monitored, she advised, she stared intently when you spoke to her giving a slight sense of unease.  As she focused her attention on you, you wondered what she was thinking.  You know those people??  The ones you can't read?  But despite this, I liked the Big Cheese.  No. I like her.  Present tense.  Like.

Recessions suck.  This much we know.  They cause people to lose jobs and all that fear and anxiety and sadness that they feel is shared among colleagues, friends and peers. To say goodbye to a co-worker, a friend, a mentor is.... sad.  Is there a better word for it?  I'm not sure.

The Big Cheese was our boss' boss' boss's boss.  I am not sure if she knew others called her the Big Cheese.  She has a name, naturally.  But when she wasn't around the bosses called her that and even said: "but don't call her that when she's around." 

I remember the day we met.  She had flown in from New York to interview me for my current position.  I was weary after 3 months of interviews for said position and this was the final round.  Like a well dramatized episode of your favorite reality t.v. show, I knew it was coming down to myself and several others.  While I felt confident, I also felt more nervous than on the previous interviews with the other bosses.  This one was the end of the line, and they flew in the Big Cheese for it.

I shook her hand and sat before her in a hotel bar.  I don't remember the questions.  I don't remember the answers.  But I distinctly remember the look on her face.  I would have described it as inquisitive.  Her eyes were squinting and she was still.  She was taking in my every word, it seemed.  No head nodding in accord.  Nothing to signal that "I got this" euphoria for me.  Her questions were slow and well thought out.  It took all my energy to be still and pay attention for fear I would miss something she said.  I remember leaving that interview feeling defeated.  She didn't leave me with any inclination that I would be getting an offer.  I was confused and disappointed....

But I got it.  And I am working on my third year here.

But after her long career with our company she was laid off last week.  Over a decade of commitment and service she has given. No fault of her own, naturally. She's bright, articulate, smart, aware, and classy.  A sign of the times is what it is.  It could be any of us at any time. 

And she sent the most endearing and heartfelt goodbye to us.  Us string cheeses.  It went out to at least 100 of us-  a way of giving gratitude for the time she spent with our family, a way of showing her optimistic and hopeful outlook for us and herself in 2010.  It was brief, classy, and honest.

And while I knew I was just a small cube of cheese in the great scheme of it all for her, I needed to thank her.

I replied to her email to let her know how much I admired her positive outlook and optimism, her work and mentorship.  I let her know that I would always remember when we first met at my final interview (which I was sure she wouldn't remember) and thanked her for taking a chance on me.  To this she replied:

Of course I remember your interview! It was one of the most difficult moments of my life, through no fault of yours. I had just learned that my (friend), was about to die... In any case, I hung up the phone, came down to the bar wondering HOW I was going to get through the interview. And there you were: all bright and shiny with your beautiful smile. The interview gave me a real lift because you are so charming and fun. Good luck to you, Cambria! Whatever the future brings, your optimism and positive outlook will carry you forward. Keep in touch!

As I read her sentiments I felt a bit ashamed.  For the last 3 years of my position, every time I saw her I wondered if she was disappointed in my interview.  Did she choose me?  Or the others I had interveiwed with?  I wondered what she was thinking of me while she stared so intently at the words that stumbled from my mouth in that hotel bar.  I had been trying to read her mind, and in a million years I could not have guessed what was really there. 

This email exchange was a great reminder that we are all going through different things in any given moment.  How we interpret something can be the complete opposite of another.  I was thankful that I had taken the opportunity to communicate one last time in this chapter of our lives, and this understanding is what I was left with. 

I know the Big Cheese will move on to bigger and brighter horizons- just as it was in great part due to her that I am where I am today.