Dear Lord

-
Dear Lord,

Thank you for giving me the good sense of being an animal lover, a caretaker of all things adorable and fuzzy.  Thank you for giving me a husband who is the same.

Dear Lord,  however, and I stress this gently, (an oxymoron, I know...) I think I have exceeded maximum capacity: physically, financially,socially of caring for animals for the time being...

What I am saying, oh Dear Lord who is great,  is that,

Please stop sending the neighborhood animals to my doorstep.  Please stop giving them the ability to figure out how to use the cat door that we have so cleverly installed.   Please keep the latest large, fuzzy, grey-haired strange cat out of my cats' lunch bowls and watering holes.

Dear Lord,  I know I am pretty friggin' awesome, but, um, I think the neighbors will quickly become annoyed at me taking in so many animals.  I think my vet will start to wonder if I am stealing animals for my own sick rituals or something.  I am worried that I will get a stigma like octomom for being socially unresponsible and unable to properly care for so many blasted pets.

You see, my dear Lord, I am on to your ways.

I know you operate on the basis of "the more the merrier", but I am sorta' kinda' just barely hanging on here.  And I have to draw the line somewhere, you see.

Please, Dear Lord, stop testing my resolve.  I took it as a very clear sign when Penny was laid in my pathway for me to love and care for her.  I thought you and I were "good" for a while.  All of my humanitarian deeds were in alignment, Lord, and I even gave you a virtual fist-bump to seal the deal.

And now,

For the past 2 days I keep finding a strange kitty squirreling it's way into my home.  He or she darts past me when it sees she it been spotted.  And not only does this clever feline know how to get into my home with all the cat flaps, but he/she has summoned the nerve to climb the stairs and make its way into the room I have designated for my spoiled pets.  Lord, Almighty, this had better not be a sign.  Because its not funny.

Dear Lord,

while I appreciate you recognizing my adoration for the stranded, wounded and desperate animals of the world, I am finding I spend more and more time in Petsmart than in the grocery store.

My PetPerks rewards card, while providing the occasional nice little cost-savings incentives, just isn't quite providing enough coupons to feed yet another animal.  And if you could, Dear Lord, please speak with my vet about the cost of care, that would be great too.

So please, Dear Lord, prevent my current pets from telling their neighnorhood 'pals' all about how good they got it over here.  I am seriously considering dressing my animals like hobo-kitties in an effort to disguise their uber-healthy ways. 

Thank you for hearing my prayer, Dear Lord.  While I try to pay close attention to your signs regarding animal welfare, I kindly ask you.... for just a little while...

to yield.

Sincerely, Me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

"Dear Bobby"

-
Image
"Dear Bobby, I love you. I always look forward to when my husband leaves for work, and you sneak into bed with me. Sometimes, you will wake me up, but usually, you just lie there next to me waiting for my eyes to open." Bobby. You are a cat. But you are the cat of all cats. Unliked some others whose names I will not mention.... you like being a cat. You are my original Obi Kenobi... But you don't like your name and insist I call you "Bobby" or "Bob". You are my predator. You can catch anything- including a rabbit almost twice your size. I remember the time you brought a baby possum into our home. I had just awakened and sleepily headed to use the bathroom when, peering from inside the toilet, was a little possum begging to be released. You cheeky bastard, Bobby. That poor possum. I scolded you and you just turned the other whisker, as if to say "look lady... I am a cat, that's how I do...." The other cats beg for forgiveness when ...
Read More

The Good Dancer: A Dating Story

-
Image
I once dated a really good dancer. That wasn't his only strength. In truth, he was one of thee absolute best dudes I ever made out with.  He was super funny, smart and we clicked right away. But what struck me as odd was that, for the first time before and since, his good dancing skills didn't turn me off.  (For some reason, a man with too much swagger on the floor has always confused and frightened me a little.)  Oh, and I also don't like when they are so involved in their dancing that they forget you are on the floor with them.  Oh, and when they A. crowd you or B. use you as a prop.  Oh, and when they sing along to songs by female artists.  If you know all the lyrics to "I'm a Slave for You", that's both impressive and embarrassing. (I really did have strange deal-breakers with men...) So here was the first guy who I enjoyed dancing with that was actually a really good dancer.  He didn't crowd.  He didn't sweat profusely.  H...
Read More

Degree

-
Image
It was on Friday night. We laughed a lot, perhaps made delirious by the sweet smell of men that were familiar-yet-elusive and desirable. It could have been the wine,  it could have been the great company of old friends and conversations and shared opinions with other women. I disagreed with Ariel more than once, though... "Too sweet" or.... "smells like a jelly bean...." The ones I couldn't put down were the ones that smelled like a man's deodorant, hidden among 75+ samples that scattered in baskets around the coffee table. There we sat around a table full of scents as we sampled the fragrances from a friend's Scentsy collection, eager to fill out our order forms for the smells that would soon promise to envelop our homes. I opted for the "Iced Pine" option, which always reminds me of the home I have not yet lived in and lingered around the fragrances that smelled of citrus and orange peels.  The idea of the smell of "Orange...
Read More