Consequences
I am struggling to figure out what the consequences are for my child's behavior.
Does she have a malicious temperament?
No. Not even a little bit.
But sometimes, like all children, she tests us.
"No" is somehow interpreted as "maybe","Don't" is often read as "But I will anyway" and saying her name sternly brings the warmest smile to her face. It is a sly, comical smile that makes her eyes twinkle and says "mommy, c'mon, let's be real here: this mess I'd like to create isn't going to matter in 20 years time. Lighten up".
And she is right.
But sometimes,
Sometimes,
Mommy doesn't want to pick up the puzzle pieces Sayler has haphazardly strewn across the floor while being told, as the pieces are being launched "Sayler, mommy said don't throw those."
Mommy is trying to raise a daughter that is tidy, after all.
And our generally-good-natured little girl will often take heed. She will pick up her own messes after being told (with a fondness for putting laundry in the laundry bin and using towels to clean up spills) and she will step off the dishwasher door after only being told once (per day, of course).
But days like today she will launch farther and faster. I will say "Don't" or "No" or "Stop Please" or even pull the most emotional plea of "You're making mommy sad" (insert sad face here)
But she will do it anyway and then I struggle to figure out what the consequence is-
Because she is fond of the consequence.
A time-out is relished.
She thinks it is a game.
She will sit on the stair and I will tell her why she is on the stair by herself, sternly, and she will smile and sit, patiently, oftentimes with her hands folded and she will sing or talk to herself the way my mom talks to herself in the car while she's driving (but swears, when being called out on it... that she isn't talking to herself).
And generally after that she is quite good and even helpful. But if I could sense some remorse I would feel like a more efficient and effective disciplinarian.
And when things really escalate I have gone so far as to threaten her with a nap.
"Saaaayler.... do you want mommy to put you down for a nap?"
And I die when she says "yes" quite happily, many times running upstairs. Because I expect her to moan and wail and plead and throw herself to the floor.
It stumps me.
And there are times like today when she says "no" and will decide to test me further so I will put her down for a premature nap.
As I lied her in her crib, she pulled the covers up close and nestled into her pillow.
I was stumped.
I proceeded to clean and work and pick up messes and revel in my ability to take a no-nonsense approach to my parenting.
I wasn't sorry.
Not that much anyway.
As I stealthily leaned toward the door 15 minutes later, I expected to hear some quiet whimpering, some snoring or some all-out cries of regret for 'making mommy sad'.
Instead I heard her having a conversation with herself, which sounds quite ominous and creepy but it was sweet and endearing. I tip-toed in, certain she was rehearsing how to apologize to me for her transgressions but I was stumped, once more, when I heard her telling herself a story and there was some garbled musings over a 'soft pillow', as well.
I was stumped.
She rolled over as I tried to make a clean getaway, smiling and perhaps completely uncertain as to why she was in her crib. She must have forgotten what all the fuss was about.
She was happy I was there, and so she stood with her arms open asking to "hold you".
I cautiously and sternly told her she needed to pick up her puzzle pieces to which she said "okay".
And so, although she required another nudging downstairs she picked up her puzzle pieces (minus the ones that have skirted themselves under the couch... notha' day... notha' cleaning session).
Is this effective parenting?
I have no idea.
Is it wrong that I want my daughter to feel more remorse?
Do I need to stake out a new time-out location? Because frankly our stairs are completely boring.
She is the sweetest, most helpful child at daycare- assisting with changing the babies and rocking them in their carseats. She kisses all my booboos and she always brings me a snack when she is having a snack. I just can't fathom why she isn't wailing and pleading for forgiveness when she clearly embodies empathy and love. Is 'making mommy sad' nothing to shrug over?
Humph.
I am stumped.
Does she have a malicious temperament?
No. Not even a little bit.
But sometimes, like all children, she tests us.
"No" is somehow interpreted as "maybe","Don't" is often read as "But I will anyway" and saying her name sternly brings the warmest smile to her face. It is a sly, comical smile that makes her eyes twinkle and says "mommy, c'mon, let's be real here: this mess I'd like to create isn't going to matter in 20 years time. Lighten up". And she is right.
But sometimes,
Sometimes,
Mommy doesn't want to pick up the puzzle pieces Sayler has haphazardly strewn across the floor while being told, as the pieces are being launched "Sayler, mommy said don't throw those."
Mommy is trying to raise a daughter that is tidy, after all.
And our generally-good-natured little girl will often take heed. She will pick up her own messes after being told (with a fondness for putting laundry in the laundry bin and using towels to clean up spills) and she will step off the dishwasher door after only being told once (per day, of course).
But days like today she will launch farther and faster. I will say "Don't" or "No" or "Stop Please" or even pull the most emotional plea of "You're making mommy sad" (insert sad face here)
But she will do it anyway and then I struggle to figure out what the consequence is-
Because she is fond of the consequence.
A time-out is relished.
She thinks it is a game.
She will sit on the stair and I will tell her why she is on the stair by herself, sternly, and she will smile and sit, patiently, oftentimes with her hands folded and she will sing or talk to herself the way my mom talks to herself in the car while she's driving (but swears, when being called out on it... that she isn't talking to herself).
And generally after that she is quite good and even helpful. But if I could sense some remorse I would feel like a more efficient and effective disciplinarian.
And when things really escalate I have gone so far as to threaten her with a nap.
"Saaaayler.... do you want mommy to put you down for a nap?"
And I die when she says "yes" quite happily, many times running upstairs. Because I expect her to moan and wail and plead and throw herself to the floor.
It stumps me.
And there are times like today when she says "no" and will decide to test me further so I will put her down for a premature nap.
As I lied her in her crib, she pulled the covers up close and nestled into her pillow.
I was stumped.
I proceeded to clean and work and pick up messes and revel in my ability to take a no-nonsense approach to my parenting.
I wasn't sorry.
Not that much anyway.
As I stealthily leaned toward the door 15 minutes later, I expected to hear some quiet whimpering, some snoring or some all-out cries of regret for 'making mommy sad'.
Instead I heard her having a conversation with herself, which sounds quite ominous and creepy but it was sweet and endearing. I tip-toed in, certain she was rehearsing how to apologize to me for her transgressions but I was stumped, once more, when I heard her telling herself a story and there was some garbled musings over a 'soft pillow', as well.
I was stumped.
She rolled over as I tried to make a clean getaway, smiling and perhaps completely uncertain as to why she was in her crib. She must have forgotten what all the fuss was about.
She was happy I was there, and so she stood with her arms open asking to "hold you".
I cautiously and sternly told her she needed to pick up her puzzle pieces to which she said "okay".
And so, although she required another nudging downstairs she picked up her puzzle pieces (minus the ones that have skirted themselves under the couch... notha' day... notha' cleaning session).
Is this effective parenting?
I have no idea.
Is it wrong that I want my daughter to feel more remorse?
Do I need to stake out a new time-out location? Because frankly our stairs are completely boring.
She is the sweetest, most helpful child at daycare- assisting with changing the babies and rocking them in their carseats. She kisses all my booboos and she always brings me a snack when she is having a snack. I just can't fathom why she isn't wailing and pleading for forgiveness when she clearly embodies empathy and love. Is 'making mommy sad' nothing to shrug over?
Humph.
I am stumped.
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