Newborn Days

The space of my bedroom feels vast and open.

My baby sleeps beside me, as I listen to the sounds of my oldest daughter and husband outside my door- readying themselves for bed.

These are the newborn days.

I sleep with Alana in our bed, and Lloyd with Sayler in her bedroom.

Tomorrow Lloyd will go back to work, and I will be with my 2 daughters alone.

It is completely frightening. 

And my youngest beside me is frightening and overwhelmingly wonderful.  I vacillate between wanting to hold her all day and needing distance between our bodies.

The nights are long, and as I nurse her on demand through the nights I often wonder how many other moms are staring sleepily at their baby in the exact same moment.  

Nursing them, or watching them sleep on their chest, across their legs, against their body- knowing the slightest movement that would allow them to feel more comfortable would risk waking the newborn and having to restart the winding down process again. 

Though as I stare at her, I catch small smiles- the ones that show me her small dimples.  I see her head flop awkwardly up toward my own, eyes closed, heartbeat to hearbeat.  

I dare not move. I only stare. My eyes half open, half closed.

These are the newborn days.