Deuces

Daughters, I want to tell you about when I thought I'd have a son. It was long ago... so very long ago...  I was dating someone I thought I might someday marry, and we would often talk about the kids we would someday have. And I unilaterally decided we would have a son, and his name would be Ethan. And I was quite sure of it. Perhaps as sure as I was that I would someday marry that boyfriend I adored and loved.   The boy with the warm and honest smile.  The boy with whom I laughed and danced. The handsome boy I talked with on the phone all hours of the night. And every once in a while I still smile when I think of that would-be son, Ethan, because it reminds me of a great love, and because his name was significant and well-thought out. Someday I will tell you how I derived at that name, Ethan. If I told it to the world now they would see deep into my heart, and maybe that's a place I only want to tell you girls about.  But I can tell you and the world now that...

I like the window seat. It's where I think real hard, remember real good, and dream most big. It's where I stare out at moving clouds and pretend the person next to me doesn't exist.  It's where memories dazzle my brain. Vivid flashes of family, friends, lovers, and encounters of both the bizarre and profoundly normal- moments that I had managed to almost forget until sitting on some plane, flying somewhere, in some time zone, staring at some clouds rolling by.  These clouds from this window seat- They remind me.

Alana, 361 nights ago I held you in my arms at exactly this hour. Nursing you, cradling your warm, naked, new body close to mine. Completely in love. So in love. I hope you know that kind of love someday. It's transcendent... unmatched... calming... whole... And you were held, unnamed, in those hours, and it would be 2 days later that we named you, officially.  (It turns out- we couldn't leave the hospital  without naming you). So let me tell you how your name came to be. Alana, Your name was on the short list for a while.   Your dad always liked it. It is my middle name. And when I was pregnant with your sister, gender unknown, he tossed around the name Alana if we had a girl. But I knew the baby I was carrying was not an 'Alana'. Sometimes, you feel things deeper than in your heart... It's in your soul. And so your sister came to have her name, and if fit her perfectly. And then nearly 5 years passed of our lives... And when I held you, my new, calm, gentle baby w...