If I'd done that

If I done that, I wouldn't have this.

If anything were different then,

I wouldn't have Sayler.

And in the years that followed her birth, if I'd done anything differently, I wouldn't have Alana.

I wonder about "what ifs"

I sometimes stare at pictures, or I get lost in memories, or I hear something on the radio or see something that makes me pause and wonder "what if?"

And then I remember, on a day like today, that I'm in my car, parked outside of an elementary school, and I am waiting for my almost-six year old.

And I wouldn't be outside this very school, waiting for that very girl, if it weren't for things exactly as they've turned out.

But then I drift....

Back into a "what if?"

Could I have changed anything? 

Could I have made anything better? 

Could I have made anyone healthier?

Could I have said more? 

Done more? 

And then I remember if anything had changed many years ago, I wouldn't be in this exact white car, with a Costco-sized box of Capri Suns to give to Sayler's teacher for her end of year school party. 

I wouldn't have my husband's texts in my phone-  who I text each day with reminders, questions, jokes, or vents about my day. I wouldn't have his quiet sense of humor in (most of!) our days. 

If any single thing had been different, today would be different. 

Everything would be different. 

I try to remember that.

Sometimes it's hard.