Cheater, Cheater, Burger Eater

One of the things I love most about my girlfriends is how vulnerable and honest we can be with one another. We can share our sadness as readily as our triumphs. We talk about grown-up stuff like mortgages over margaritas and Mexican food. We talk about work and the economy, our family relationships, the men we love and the men that have scorned us.

One of the things we might stumble on in these chats about relationships is the all too sleazy topic of cheating. Who's doing it, who isn't? Well, none of us, of course! But so-and-so and so-and-so, and some might reflect on what it felt like at one point to be cheated on themselves. For some girls, it's that punch-in-the-stomach shocker. The "I can't believe this is happening..." moving to the stage where "I should have known..."

I admire the mature ones who have been able to dust their shoulders off, hold their head high, and say "You weren't worth it anyway....".

Then there are the crazy ones, which is the category I am certain I would fall into, where all of his belongings have been burned in a bon fire, locks to the doors and phone number changed before the cheating bastard even knew what hit him. Think Carrie Underwood a'la "Before He Cheats" minus the hot leather jacket and perfectly coifed hair. There is a scary bitch hiding underneath this independent-woman exterior of mine. Just try me.

I confided in my circle the other day that I have several times envisioned catching my husband in some illicit affair. Walking in to see he and the ho-bag embracing in some ridiculously overstuffed terrycloth towels and watching him stumble the words "It's not what it looks like...."

In some of these scenarios I am cool, calm and collected. Other times, there is a smack down and a weave gets pulled. These "scenes" are chock full of riveting dialogue, emotion and.... I am certain I have gotten so caught up in my biographical movie directing skills that I have even made myself tear up a little. Maybe these are signs that I shouldn't ignore? Just take the day I came home early to surprise my "faithful" then-boyfriend, Lloyd, only to find out he was cheating.

I remember the day well. It must have been intuition for me. Generally I would call him when I was on my way home, especially if work let out early, but on this day, my instincts told me to not let him know I was going to be home 4 hours earlier than originally expected. I felt in my heart that something was amiss. Despite this intuitive feeling, I was shocked when I came home to find his car was nowhere in site. Where had he gone? My seemingly predictable boyfriend was away and I hadn't a clue where he was. My mind started to tell me what the Hell was going on. The script was going just as I had envisioned it. I entered the house and did a sniff-over, waiting to inhale whorefume. I surveyed the house and walked upstairs to the loft- his usual afternoon hang-out. Oddly enough, the T.V. was on. The cheating bastard didn't even have the decency to cut our energy costs.

I turned the T.V. off and decided to call him. Let's see the jerk get out of this one. His phone rang twice and he cooly answered "hey babe". I acted as if I was still out for work and made small-talk. I asked him what he was up to.

Cheater: "Just watching some T.V....."

Victim: "Cool, cool- you at home?"

Cheater: "Yeaaa."

Victim-No-Longer: "Screw you, liar! Where the BLEEP are you!?? I am standing in the loft right now and you're NOT here!!! .... (possible expletives inserted here; bon fire wood being collected....)

Cheater: "OH!OH!OH!OH! I'll be home in a second!!!

Scrunchy-face: Huh??? Where ARE you???

Cheater: "At McDonald's...."

48 Seconds later one very embarrassed Lloyd came through the door sans hamburger. He had intentions of cheating on our diet. Of course I was still uncertain since he didn't have any McDonald's goods in his hands. Apparently I scared him out of line at the the Drive-Thru.

If I wasn't so relieved I might have given him a lecture on how good he had been doing up to that point in his fitness regimen. I confessed my irrational cheating scenario and we had a good laugh about it. We both decided we deserved some McDonald's- I got the hot fudge sundae, and he got a number one with well-deserved coke.

I love my husband because I can be blatantly honest with him. 99 % of the time I am cool and unassuming. I trust him completely, the way I always have. It is part of the reason I married him. It isn't to say he is perfect and I still turn a love-is-blind eye to his cheating. I find chocolate wrappers throughout the house and still check his grocery receipts to find snuck-in colas and confections. Usually I smile as I tear up the receipt to add to our compost bin. Other times I'll thank him for not telling me (I don't like the temptations so I have asked him not to show me sweets...). Still other times when I'm in a mood I might lecture him on additives so that I can fulfill my role of concerned wifey.

That last 1 % of the time I am a bit neurotic. I have an unintended and completely unfounded dream that he has cheated and the rest of the day I am questioning his every move. I am perfectly imperfect. Generally I will warn him from the start of the day so he can laugh at my paranoia while brushing my hair off my head and planting a kiss on my forehead. I will let him earn back my trust, despite being completely imagined by allowing him to make me breakfast in bed. He doesn't bark at me for not having complete faith in him on that rare day. He takes it in stride, just as I will very, very randomly catch him searching through my cell phone- as if looking for something dramatic to confront me with. I will look at him and smile. He will smile back, fully aware that I know he is having a moment. We don't exchange words but we both know that sometimes we just need that added assurance. A way of pinching ourselves because we are happy. We are faithful and we both understand that an occasional bout of insecurity is an opportunity for us to acknowledge that we are human while saying, without words "Hey, I could use a hug. I Love You."