Denmark

Several years ago I went to Denmark.  I went alone.  It was my last great mission to prove to myself that if I could travel to an unknown place on my own, I could do anything I wanted to do for the rest of my life. 

I had been working hard.  Annoyingly hard.  I had been opening restaurants for a year, and 12 hour shifts interningled with late nights out with co-worker friends left me tired and feeling like I had neglected myself.  I was single and curious about the world.  I had entered that age in life where everyone was making huge decisions about getting married and having their children.  I wanted to take one last gamble on myself before I found myself settled down.  I was also looking to finally put the nail in the coffin of a failed relationship.  Someone that I adored, more than they adored me.  He wasn't good enough to me or for me, and as difficult as the decision was, I broke up with him for it, but it still hurt.  It was time to close that door, and nothing closes a door faster for me than surrounding myself with beautiful European men.  That's just the truth of the matter.  Amen!

Why Denmark is still an unknown.  I was looking for a country that was deemed safe.  I found it all the more convenient that, in summer, it doesn't get dark there.  I had saved a lot of money, with all the long hours I put in and little time to spend it.  I researched places to stay and decided to sublet an apartment for 3 weeks.  In the weeks leading up to my flight I felt antsy.  I packed way more than I needed and I couldn't seem to make my mom feel comfortable with my decision to go somewhere where I knew no one.  And so I left and the flight was long.  I arrived and hopped into a taxi, arriving at my place well into the evening.  I was tired but had a hard time sleeping that first night given that it was bright and light outside.  The next morning, I walked.  I walked into the city center and rented a bike for the duration of my stay.  Everyone was on a bike.  I had arrived.  I stopped all along the way in shops and museums.  So many museums to see, and I am pretty sure I got through just about all of them. Wax museums, history museums, art museums.  I attended an international film festival and read subtitles to 4 films.  I dined alone at cafes, bakeries, restaurants.  I walked along the canals and people-watched.  I listened to the sounds of their language.  I watched a classical music show one evening.  The kind of beautiful song filled evening that I could attend here in California, but probably never will.  I counted foreign currency in my hand several times over in an effort to to become faster at my exchanges with people.  I talked to those that could speak English, and they wondered what I was doing there.  No great answer.  I just wanted to be alone.  I wanted to know that I was okay being alone.  I wanted to come and go as I pleased.  I wanted to have a time to myself where I did not have to negotiate the day.  I wanted to pick where I ate, what I ate, and where I went on that vacation.  I didn't want to compromise.  Completely selfish.  That was what I asked of this vacation.
One evening I walked down to the nighclubs and stood in line alone.  I was that creepy person that I have seen many times in my own days.  In line, immediately, I met a group of girls.  I am not sure why they approached me,  but they had ordered bottle service and had entry for one more person.  Seeing me alone, perhaps, they thought they would ask me.  It worked to my advantage.  That personal goal I had set for myself to go to a nightclub alone had been partially accomplished.  I went alone, I just didn't spend the whole time alone.  I sat at the table with these fashionable young Scandinavian girls, all of whose names I have forgotten.  We laughed, we danced, and at the end of the night we parted.  I rode my bike home as they hopped a train for their suburban homes. 

I met others on that trip.  Ill keep the details close to my heart because, after all, some things should be kept sacred.  In all, it was a wonderful trip.  It served its purpose.  I came back a different person and expected more from life.  I came back knowing that it was okay to be alone, and it was okay to be selfish for the sake of one's long-term happiness.  I had more time to myself than I had ever had in my life.  At times, it was uncomfortable.  When life brings you down, sometimes it is easiest to surround yourself with people who rely on you, as a way of feeling needed and appreciated.  To face that discomfort was an eye-opening experience.  I am forever changed.  I am forever grateful.   Thanks, Denmark.