The Militant Guest:

I love you military folk.  You are tidy creatures.  My sis' boyfriend is a Major in the U.S. Army.  Big time Army dude.  He's great.  Hospitable, friendly, and just the right touch of scary.

I get a little uptight when I am in his presence.  If I am at his house I am making constant mental note to put things back EXACTLY where I found them.  If I don't, he quietly sweeps in and fixes what I did 'wrong'.  He really is nice- I don't want to make him out to be a baddie.  I just get nervous with his super tidy ways.

I am relatively tidy.... you know.... relatively.  If I miss a day of vacuuming, I'll survive.  If I see a crumb lurking in the corner of my faux granite counter-tops, I might eye it and promise I'll get it next time I'm in the kitchen.  Or, or, or... it might sit there all day. 

So when Major so-and-so is due for a visit, my stomach gets a little queasy.  I take a mental picture of my house and survey the scene.  What most people find to be delightfully tidy, I see as a disgusting pig pen, rife with germs, disease and dust.  I picture him pulling out the white glove and vomit bag.  Am I being dramatic??  Of course.  What's the fun in a story that is drama-free??

But I will spend several hours polishing, organizing, pulling overgrown flower stems and scanning the lawn for any new weeds.  You know, the curb is the first thing Major so-and-so sees at my house.  And when he comes...

When he comes it is great.  He and my sister are all kinds of polite, funny, hospitable and a small bit tacky which makes me feel comfortable again.  He doesn't complain or pull out that white glove.  What is really, really awesome is that he leaves the guest bedroom just as I left it.  It's as though he took a mental picture of where the pillows go, the draping length of my Target-steal comforter and tucks those fake satin sheets in just as I did when I planned their arrival.

It isn't that other house guests don't take measures to pick up after themselves.  Well, wait, no. My niece leaves things a complete disaster, and I cock an eyebrow as I wonder how something so small can make such a mess.  But the other friendly guests give me a certain smile with their efforts.  Pillows look a bit off or get turned a strange way.  It is cute.

But this Major has major photographic memory.  My only hope is that he doesn't open my "Monica" closet on a visit to our home.  That closet that would come tumbling out with all the things I have thrown in it in anticipation of our most militant guest.  Major so-and-so.