The Insomniac: Part One

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4 minutes ago I was curled up on the cool edge of my bed, not far from my sweaty husband.  I could hear his heavy breathing as I slipped in under the covers.  I attempted to cradle him because I needed the hug, but he was boiling, so I crept away and plunged my arm under the chilled pillow and pondered.

I thought long and hard of how to release this negative juju that is creeping into my head.  I avoid negativity.  I avoid drama.  I avoid messes, arguments, uncomfortable moments.  I even attempt to steer clear of sadness.  I have gotten very good at it.  You know, when I get into a funk, I just talk myself out of it. I might whip out a calendar and plan- that seems to put me at ease.  The writing of this here blog, folks, that helps too.

I guess I am hoping to write my way out of it.  I like to really think about what the heck is bothering me, so I can squash it.  I can rationalize it.  That's what I do.

What is bothering me is the unfairness of things.  Why strange and sad things happen to good people.  Not me.  Not now.  That is another time and place, perhaps.  But other good people.  The sadness of strangers, friends and acquaintances wears heavy on my heart.  And I know that the answer is always that there is a greater plan out there.  And then that lends itself to the question, what plan and when?

Am I speaking in code?  Of course I am.  If I had all the answers I'd get paid a significant amount for this here blog.  If the answers were within reach I would be fast asleep and melting next to the sauna that is my husband.  But I don't have the answers.  Check back tomorrow.

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