The Oprah Effect: A Case Study
I've never cheated on you.
(OkOkOk)
Maybe in my mind with Clive Owen back in 07' but it didn't mean ANYTHING!!! I SWEAR!!
And I suppose there are a ton of other worse things you can do to your partner or spouse than cheat. I suppose.
You smoke cigarettes behind my back. I think that's some form of cheating. Maybe. I know you're working on quitting altogether and yet I do tend to find Marlboro boxes in the most random of places, including behind the television that we don't watch downstairs and behind your music equipment in the office. (Yea, I found those).
The boxes were, however, empty.
(What's that all about?)
Have I ever wondered if you've cheated with some tramp?
Of course I have.
Just look at that face. The face only a mother, a wife, and some whore could love.
But I know you are faithful.
And damn you, Oprah Winfrey for airing a show last week featuring hootchies that seek out married men.
Attention hootchies: This just in.....
A man that's wearing a ring is married. and.....
Newsflash!!
A man that says he is 'separated' is married.
Oh, and in case your still not getting it... a man that says he is unhappily married is: DING!DING!DING! You guessed it:
Still Married (and very likely stringing you along- you really are super dumb)
O.K.Ok.OkAY!! I am on a rampage. But seriously. Damn you, Oprah.
(Nah. Just kiddin', girl. I still love you, Opie.)
But husband.... thank you for not cheating on me. Or, at least, for being so clever as to hide it well (although I doubt that, since I know when you are lying by that empty stare into space you do coupled by the sadly obvious vocal tone you use- really, sweetie, you're an awful liar.....)
And although I would like to say I could forgive you if you cheated, I am not sure our relationship would ever be the same.
Could it?
I couldn't ever trust you to go to Fresh n' Easy for bananas. I couldn't stop my mind from racing when you came home late from work or tell me you are off to go surfing or to watch the footie with friends. Because at this point in our blissful life I don't even bat an eye when you are off. I don't question your loyalty and devotion, and, if I'm honest, I usually can't push you out the door fast enough so that I may enjoy time alone to watch all my tivo'd shows (a'la Oprah which brings me here today, ironically...)
And aside from the fact that our relationship would never be the same, I would (fair warning) be sure to tell absolutely everyone we know and love that you are a lying, snivelin', cheatin' bastard. I would blog about your transgressions and create a Facebook page whose name reads "Cheetin Basterd III" with your picture....
and friend request all of your colleagues and your boss and your boss's boss.
And, my dear, sweet devoted love....
I know it will never come to that, nor to all of your clothes and belongings mysteriously catching fire,
Because-
My dear, sweet devoted love,
you wouldn't ever dream of cheating on me.
(Comprende?)
(OkOkOk)
Maybe in my mind with Clive Owen back in 07' but it didn't mean ANYTHING!!! I SWEAR!!
And I suppose there are a ton of other worse things you can do to your partner or spouse than cheat. I suppose.
You smoke cigarettes behind my back. I think that's some form of cheating. Maybe. I know you're working on quitting altogether and yet I do tend to find Marlboro boxes in the most random of places, including behind the television that we don't watch downstairs and behind your music equipment in the office. (Yea, I found those).
The boxes were, however, empty.
(What's that all about?)
Have I ever wondered if you've cheated with some tramp?
Of course I have.
Just look at that face. The face only a mother, a wife, and some whore could love.
But I know you are faithful.
And damn you, Oprah Winfrey for airing a show last week featuring hootchies that seek out married men.
Attention hootchies: This just in.....Newsflash!!
A man that says he is 'separated' is married.
Oh, and in case your still not getting it... a man that says he is unhappily married is: DING!DING!DING! You guessed it:
Still Married (and very likely stringing you along- you really are super dumb)
O.K.Ok.OkAY!! I am on a rampage. But seriously. Damn you, Oprah.
(Nah. Just kiddin', girl. I still love you, Opie.)
But husband.... thank you for not cheating on me. Or, at least, for being so clever as to hide it well (although I doubt that, since I know when you are lying by that empty stare into space you do coupled by the sadly obvious vocal tone you use- really, sweetie, you're an awful liar.....)
And although I would like to say I could forgive you if you cheated, I am not sure our relationship would ever be the same.
Could it?
I couldn't ever trust you to go to Fresh n' Easy for bananas. I couldn't stop my mind from racing when you came home late from work or tell me you are off to go surfing or to watch the footie with friends. Because at this point in our blissful life I don't even bat an eye when you are off. I don't question your loyalty and devotion, and, if I'm honest, I usually can't push you out the door fast enough so that I may enjoy time alone to watch all my tivo'd shows (a'la Oprah which brings me here today, ironically...)
And aside from the fact that our relationship would never be the same, I would (fair warning) be sure to tell absolutely everyone we know and love that you are a lying, snivelin', cheatin' bastard. I would blog about your transgressions and create a Facebook page whose name reads "Cheetin Basterd III" with your picture....
and friend request all of your colleagues and your boss and your boss's boss.
And, my dear, sweet devoted love....
I know it will never come to that, nor to all of your clothes and belongings mysteriously catching fire,
Because-
My dear, sweet devoted love,
you wouldn't ever dream of cheating on me.
(Comprende?)
Comments
--Shelro