Dear Dad

Dear dad-

I am thinking of you... right now...

as I listen to my baby girl coo in her swing beside me.

Sometimes when I feel my mind wander and a thought of you crosses my mind, I quickly try to make it go away for fear my eyes will show the disappointment of you no longer being here.

I fear losing my breath,

and fear having others notice that I am not paying attention to a word they are saying.

But in this moment, I remember.

11 years ago today I sat in a hospital.

I waited for you to come out of a coma.

I was certain it would happen at any time.

I had no fear.

I did not let the sadness of others around me get in the way of me knowing you would be alright.

Better than alright.

The way you had always been.

I knew you would laugh at everyone for worrying,

and then you would tell us how the doctors had it all wrong and wanted you to stay another night,

But "No", you would tell them.  "I'm leaving today."  And they wouldn't argue because there was never any point in arguing with Charlie Dorado.

But here I am 11 years later and I know I was wrong.

11 years ago I overheard the doctor say you weren't going to make it.

I hated him for saying that,

But I hated myself more for being angry at you for not fighting to live.

When I went in to see you, I begged you not to go away,

and I told you that you couldn't leave because you hadn't yet finished the fence...

You really, really needed to finish the fence, dad.

I hated when the nurse told me you couldn't hear me,

as though I had asked that awful excuse of a nurse anything.

But she was wrong,

I am sure,

You could hear me.

11 years ago today was the saddest day of my life,

Because on that day,

I could see your face,

and hold your hand,

and tell you that you needed to finish the fence,

but I knew that the following day,

you would leave us,

and there was nothing I could do to stop that from happening.

And every year at on this day,

around this time,

I think of you,

and all your funny, stern, warm, strict, thoughtful, wise-ways.

I think of all the times you cut my hair until you royally screwed it up while I was in high school, I cried, and then you felt bad and paid for Fantastic Sam's to fix what you done broke.  An uneven haircut for a high school junior just ain't right!

I think of the time when you thought I had been kidnapped, then found out I was up to no good, scared the bejeezus out of me and then stared into my eyes and told me how disappointed you were in me.  I remember knowing in that moment that I never wanted to disappoint you again- and I didn't.

I remember when, at age 18, I confessed to you of how I had really broken my wrist 8 years prior.

I remember the look on your face when I first brought a boyfriend home to meet you. (*Shudders)

And I think of the silly, short song we would sing every day after kindergarten, when you would pick me up from school,

hold my hand,

and sing a song with me while we skipped:

"A hunting we will go,

A hunting we will go,

We'll catch a fox and put him in a box,

and then we'll let him go,

Boop!"

And we would sing that same verse over and over until reaching the truck...

But you know what dad?

There are more verses.

I totally Googled it.

But,

When I pick up Sayler from school,

I will pretend I don't know about the other verses,

and I will sing only the first verse,

just as you and I once did,

"A hunting we will go,

A hunting we will go,

We'll catch a fox and put him in a box,

and then we'll let him go,

Boop!"