WHORE: A tale of imagination gone wild.

"Do you have a whore?"

I stared at my husband intently as the accusation came flying from my lips.

"Well...?" I pushed further.

He smiled, that half-ways smile he often does when he thinks I'm being just a little bit dramatic.

"Because if you have a whore, I'll find out and then I'll get full custody of Sayler and you'll only see her like, on holidays and one week each summer."

He came back quickly... "why would you get full custody?"

Me: "Moms always get full custody- and my brother's a lawyer so I'd take everything..."

Yes.

I use the word "whore."

It makes people, including my husband, a little uncomfortable.

Whore.

(n.) One who shacks up with another woman's man.  Usually ugly.  Never worth it.

   

And, admittedly, I have these insecure moments when I wonder whether my husband has a whore of his very own.  Like, when I'm feeling less-than-awesome and he's looking amazing.

The question will come on a day when I can only fit in my "big girl" jeans and my skin has taken on a disgusting flaky palor. My hair is screaming for a hot-oil treatment and my pores are the size of lemons.  I look, for lack of a better description, horrid. 

(Not to be confused with Whore-id).

He, on the other hand, is looking extra-handsome.

It might be a day when his shower ran a little long, he has carefully shaven his whiskers and then doused himself in a thick fog of 'Axe' spray.  I will wonder why he is suddenly taking better care of himself since, clearly, I am having a week on the 'let-go' myself.

As I stare at this handsome man who is looking into the mirror fixing his hair for far too long I will let my insecurity get the best of me and ask, pointedly:

"Is there someone else?  Do you have a whore?"

I will wait for one of the signs of him lying. 

His most popular "I'm lying" face is the deep blank stare.  It's a look that says "huh?" "what?" and "are you talking to me?" all at once.

But,

He always sort of smiles.

That means,

for now anyway....

He definitely doesn't have a whore.

But just so he's clear about the ramifications of having a whore someday I will let him know what to expect....

We will separate.

I will get full custody.

His whore will pretend to like Sayler to get in his good graces, but then she will "accidently" get pregnant and make it all about their "new" family and then make up stories about how horrible our beautiful baby girl is.

He is a nice enough guy so he'll marry her and she will prevent him from seeing his sweet, sweet Sayler and then her true psycho personality will start to unveil itself...

Over time, Sayler will hardly even remember who he is...

I'll get re-married (obviously) and she will call my new husband 'dad', I warn him.

It's all really, really sad and could have been prevented if he'd just said "No" to the yet-existent whore...

The last time I asked him about his whore (that I guess he doesn't technically have), I almost forgot that it was just a hypothetical story and I almost started to cry...

He became quiet as he shook his head, confounded by the oddities of my wild imagination, trying to figure out how to respond to my query.

My eyes welled up with tears, assuming his quiet demeanor was somehow indicative of his desire to shack up with said whore...

He stared at me, wide-eyed, as I polished off the tale with "How could you do something like that to us???  To our baby???"

More confused than ever he assuredly responded:

"But, I didn't do anything.  Where do you come up with this stuff?  I don't have a whore"

As I sniffled through the thought of what never was and had better not ever be (you still following?), I replied, woefully: "Well I'm just saying that you shouldn't get a whore because it will ruin everything."

"Okay, Cam" he promised, the way he always does....  "I won't get a whore."