It Was An Accident

I can almost feel the return to the old me.

 

It's the one who knows all the lyrics to the K-Day afternoon line-up.

 

It's the version of me that washes laundry and dishes in the middle of the night.

 

It is the unapolgetic mother who spends a little more time in non-sense conversations with her toddler than in sensible ones with adults.

 

It is the me that tries to carefully plan the weeks ahead, but is careful to not plan the years.

 

I don't have it all figured out,

 

and it's nice to get back to the version of me that loves that.

 

And my daughter reminds me of all that ain't too shabby with me.

 

"Don't worry mommy, it was an accident..."

 

And I both shake my head and smile when she says it, and she says it several times each day.

 

I don't know how to be upset when she forgives herself, or me.

 

When she becomes so entranced in her Monster's Inc. movie that our potty-trained daughter pees on the floor, mid- Sully-Mike debacle.  And, exasperated, I will ask,"Sayler, did you just pee on the floor?",   to which she will reply "yea, I peed on  d'floor. Don't worry mommy, it was an accident..."

 

How does a mommy reply to that level of honesty?

 

Couldn't she at least lie?

 

And I will remind her all about the potty and giving mommy a heads up and she will say "okay, mommy" and later when I discover goldfish scattered across the carpet I will ask, exasperated, "Sayler, did you drop your fishies on the floor?"  to which she will reply, with all that over-rated honesty, "yea, I drop dem' on d'floor."  She will oftentimes even point to them shaking her head disapprovingly to save me the trouble of having to shake my own.

 

What? 

 

Is she mocking me?

 

How do I get mad when she's ratting herself out?

 

I mean, she's not quite 3 but I am convinced that little girl has all of life's answers.

 

And I am happy, at least, that I have taught my daughter that sometimes we have accidents.

 

And I'm not saying that I pee on the floor, so don't get any ideas...

 

but I am saying that I've had accidents.  I've made messy choices.  I am getting back to the place where I can forgive myself for everything I lack.  My lack of willpower when it comes to sea-salt, dark chocolate confections (I mean, we're being honest here, right?).  The inability of me to do simple math in my head, except when it comes to tipping a server: that just never leaves an ex-waitress.  The gal who has junior high tendencies like drawing my crushes names and hearts on paper when my mind wanders during a conference call...

 

It happens. Sometimes by accident.