Deuces

If I done that, I wouldn't have this. If anything were different then, I wouldn't have Sayler. And in the years that followed her birth, if I'd done anything differently, I wouldn't have Alana. I wonder about "what ifs" I sometimes stare at pictures, or I get lost in memories, or I hear something on the radio or see something that makes me pause and wonder "what if?" And then I remember, on a day like today, that I'm in my car, parked outside of an elementary school, and I am waiting for my almost-six year old. And I wouldn't be outside this very school, waiting for that very girl, if it weren't for things exactly as they've turned out. But then I drift.... Back into a "what if?" Could I have changed anything?  Could I have made anything better?  Could I have made anyone healthier? Could I have said more?  Done more?  And then I remember if anything had changed many years ago, I wouldn't be in this exact white car, with ...

We say you're like a gorilla. Make no mistake: we think that's pretty much the best thing ever.  I know as you get older one of the many, many things I will miss most is your extended belly. The round shape that sticks out so far and creates an imbalance as you toddle forth... a side-to-side heavy footed motion that thrusts you forward- reminding us of a gorilla. It doesn't help that you also squat like a gorilla. Surveying whatever is on the floor in front of you.  Carefully examining, using small, delicate fingers to pick things up.... You're like a gorilla.  For now. One day I will miss this gorilla stage terribly. I will remember it, think on it, tell you about it.  I'll tell you about your first word at 9 months: "mama", and your second dada" at 11 months.   You have progressed to word number 3... "wow". And it's almost as sweet sounding as ''mama' is.  I'll tell you about all these things... Love, mommy.