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I stared at the last text my colleague, Kevin, sent while quietly indulging in froyo from the nearby yogurt shop.

After an exchange of camaraderie-infused texts and aptly-placed humor, I thought to myself “I should talk to Kevin more often”. 

Because 10 months ago when I met Kevin, and a slew of other new colleagues, in person, I wasn’t ready to get to know anyone. 

I wasn’t ready for the relative “bigness” of adding more people to know, and work with, in my life. 

It felt like a slap in the face then.

To quickly welcome new colleagues on the heels of losing so many former colleagues in the summer corporate restructure felt cruel and unreasonable.  

And on a warm July evening as Kevin threw his arm over my shoulders on the last night of our sales meeting to give a kind goodbye, it felt like I was cheating on my former colleagues. 

I said nothing in response to his gentle collegiate hug, but chose to walk away from the large group of new colleagues from the new big world that had gathered at the big hotel restaurant.

I retreated to my hotel room, quickly packed my things, and drove home after midnight to be with my family. 

No room then for new. 

But as of a week ago, all of my former colleagues have moved on and found new jobs and new adventures to pursue. 

It wasn’t until my former colleagues all landed firmly on two feet that I could begin to welcome the idea of having ‘new’ colleagues to connect with. 

It’s taken a while.  

Nearly 10 months.  

They’ve moved on, and now I can. 

To finally be in a place where I feel a deep sense of gratitude for being exactly where I am, and for being grateful for the colleagues I have around me.

To feel gratitude that the univserse has corrected itself and my former colleagues now have their own new big world. 

I no longer feel the resentment I felt last summer... the resentment of having to call my trusted colleagues to tell them they were being laid off. 

9 calls I made that day. 

Carefully crafted scripts to read from.  Scripts that felt void of the emotional warfare raging in my soul. 

The responses on the other end of the phone line I’ll never forget. 

One person cried. 

A lot. 

One person was blindsided.  Perhaps slightly combative. 

2 took the time to compliment me which only made it harder. 

Most took it like professional champs, even though it must have broken their hearts at least as much as it was breaking mine. 

And though I remember it vividly, If I had to rewind to a year ago... to bend time and undo all of that big pain, that big transition, those big resentments, I wouldn’t change it.  

Finally, I like where I am. 

I like my not-quite-so-new colleagues. I like my new big world. I like the idea of whatever is ahead will be good.

And to whatever new big change awaits me: I’m ready. No resentments, no apprehension. Just big ready.