Deuces

I read this today while sipping on fresh coffee and avoiding the masses of messes to be slayed on this beautiful Saturday morning. Try not to be too impressed. I preceded my morning Kierkegaard reading with time on Facebook and Whatsapp.  Social networking that many call a waste of time.  Facebook and Whatsapp? Not time wasted. Connecting with people I care for? Starting my day with a dose of humor and camaraderie? Not time wasted.  Dropping lines of communication to people to remind them I value them? Not time wasted.  Though it is all relative to each of us, isn't it?  And this little Kierkegaard quote was an extra lovely revelation among my time spent social networking.  The Christian-abiding Kierkegaard who examines existence and meaning; whose notions I value as equally as atheist Sartre's opinions. Examination of existence and purpose?  A little heavy before 9 a.m.?  "What I really need is to get clear about what I must ...

Well I guess so!  That must explain why I found myself driving without remembering where I was going... why my mind feels asleep at the wheel, and why I am on some sort of existential journey lately. But I got Jeanette looking out for me, and sending me great "brace for it" articles. http://galadarling.com/article/how-to-survive-mercury-retrograde/ Mercury is this Gemini's ruling planet- so- you know- I'm fixin' to get it. But I am enjoying this retrograde period- the "Let it Go, Let it Go" and momentary pauses, lingering, sleepy and procrastinating minutes in bed each morning with Sayler, the uninspired and numb coolness that envelops my being. The "q ué será, sera"  of 2015. Yes, That's what I'll call it.

Highlights of home include playing with Lincoln Logs: And having Charmaine, Cheyanne and Charisma over for a slumber party.  Sayler insisted on sleeping with Cheyanne- kicking me to the proverbial curb. Highlights include a year-over-year photo opp to show how rapidly Charlie is growing and how my 'surprise' face remains exactly. the. same.  Aged 12- easily 5' 10" nowadays...   Christmas 2013:     Christmas, 2014 Highlights of home include playing my first iPod.  It cost me a fortune over a decade ago and houses all of my oldest and dearest albums that are only here and not in some... cloud...  Randomly hearing Depeche Mode 's greatest pop up in my playlists makes me smile while I clean, work, Facebook, dance, think, write, muse, chide.  And one of my top 5 favorite songs of all time winds up in the rotation... (tell me this song doesn't make you so happy that you just about burst...)   ...

"I like to write" I said, as if by accident.  As though I was exposing a secret so deeply buried. And because we were talking about career changes and life and love and what lies ahead I felt a sense of relief in sharing what brings me comfort and joy.  And one of the things I called out was that quasi-secret: "I like to write". And so I knew at some point in this night, though my eyes weigh heavy and my body craves nothing but a deep slumber I would take a moment to reflect on one of those very small things that makes me feel connected in a complex world. I like to write.  And may I explore many of the other things that fulfill me in the years ahead- even the secret things. 

It's the run, I'm sure. The 6 miles that felt like 12 that reminded me I am way out of shape where endurance is concerned. As the thoughts of my lack of fitness and commitment to consistent, long runs washed over me, I shrugged. "Oh well... No one's perfect..." As I sat in child's pose shortly thereafter I felt the layer of all the devoured Christmas cookies fold up across my mid-section. I was nonplussed by the holiday weight. "It is what it is..." I heard the neighborhood children running through my home and overheard them playing "kidnappers" as they spiritedly held my child for ransom.  I wondered if I needed to intervene but I found it akin to something twisted I would play as a child so I didn't overstep their creative liberties. "So be it..." My home was left sometime later in utter disarray.  I shrugged. I picked up a few toy soldiers that lay underfoot and pushed playthings...

The year is starting off right, despite not being able to clearly articulate any resolutions.  The ones I've come up with so far would seem pale and vapid without context, so let me not bore you.   I can indicate that the year is starting like a bit of budding flower. It's hard to tell whether it will wilt as surely as it might blossom.  I am not hopeful. Though I am not despondent.    I am not much of anything by way of moved, in fact.  I am perhaps indifferent. Or some sweeter version of indifferent.  I am preparing to prepare.   Does that sound vague?   Yes, I certainly hope so.   No great plans but I may throw many, many fiery balls into the air this year and see which land.     On New Year's Day Sayler and I walked hand in hand to the park.   I listened to my chatty Cathy asking, probing, remarking all along the way.  I said few words as I took in her sweet energy....